I have been struggling with resistance to painting for a while now. It’s an odd place to be, apart from the thing that makes me feel like the most ME me.
I realized, talking to my coach yesterday, that this got triggered by moving studios a year ago. Moving into a commercial space that was ultimately a trial and affected everything in my life.
But I’m not there now. I’m at home. This resistance should be diminishing over time instead of increasing.
Painting used to be about joy to me. It sang to me as I painted, when I thought about painting. I always found the zone and flow.
It was meditation in so many ways.
I miss it. I crave it. When I reach for it, it crumbles into dust.
There is no joy.
I’ve pushed through. It didn’t help.
I’ve let it be. Well, as much as I can let things be! And it didn’t help.
I’ve let go of all commitments around it. Didn’t help.
And then my friend, Robbie, who gets me on a deep level, sent me this video.
The real magic starts around the 7 minute mark. The first bit talks about resistance, but at the end? BOOM!
This is without religion, but in this example Eckhart Tolle says this:
If you take a person to heaven, he would be unhappy. His mind would be looking for problems. Peace would be very threatening.
Apparently our minds LOOK for problems. The default is to find, manufacture and live for problems.
Of course, I’m looking for problems. My life’s baseline is all about conflict. Twenty-three years of programming, often forcing code to do things it wasn’t designed for, has set me up to find problems. To be unhappy. To crave the other side of the fence.
But I’m here now. Responsible to only my own whims. In my version of heaven.
If there’s no conflict outside, my mind created it inside. This massive resistance to doing the very thing I love the most.
And it occurred to me that I cannot be alone in this. That we are all more alike than different. And I bet you’re looking for problems in your life too.
I am worthy of being in my heaven. It’s ok to flow and find joy. There is no need to wait for the other shoe to drop. Or to make the other shoe drop, because HELLO! I’ve been knocking shoes off for a while now.
And if I’m worthy of my heaven, you’re worthy of yours too.
Be gentle with yourself. Talk nicely to yourself. And allow yourself the joy you deserve. Let’s do it together. Starting today.