September 25, 2018

I realize I am most unhappy when my eyes wander

Most months there is at least one Supernatural convention. Some months have two.

In my social media feeds I see endless videos and pics of fans and the stars having the weekend of their lives.

So much love!

So much friendship!

So many incredible memories that you had to be there for!

And I find myself spending time watching, both simultaneously wishing I was there and wishing I could look away. Jealous.

My life, a mediocre, un-fun thing. A sad second to those convention weekends.

And when I’m really feeling like dragging myself down, I’ll pop onto the celebrities’ social media and see what they’re up to. Glamorous things! Dropping money for uber expensive meals or mind blowing adventures.

Usually, very quickly, I come to my senses and reset.

Of course my life doesn’t compare but not in a way that’s better or worse, it’s just different. And when my eyes aren’t wandering I can see how wonderful I’ve made things. How grateful I am for the blessings I have. And for the blessings I create.

We run on a society that tells us we don’t have enough. We are not enough. We should aspire to the celebrities we follow as they endorse clothing, food, jewelry and whatever else they’re paid for.

I fell into that trap when I was choosing dishes for my new place knowing I had to start from scratch. Should I get brand A which doesn’t chip? Or the more expensive brand B which has the cool pattern that expresses my artist side so completely?

I agonized over those dishes for about two weeks, in my free time.

Oh! They were going to define how my new life was going to be. Cool! Fun! Hip! Everyone would see them and want to be me!

I ended up buying dishes from the dollar store. Ones I’m very happy with. And it happened because I came to my senses.

I don’t want to be someone else. Someone with a very carefully curated and sponsored online presence and probably so many secret problems.

I don’t want other people to want to be me. Have you met me? I can do a very excellent impersonation of a hot mess. I spend a lot of time not knowing what I’m doing, fumbling my way through my life.

Plus, my whole point in writing this stuff out is to encourage you to be the best you that you can be.

And the fastest way to love you and love your life is to focus on it. Curate it.

What’s good? What’s great? What can change?

When you stop looking around at all the people who are not you, you stop seeing yourself as a poor copy at best. And suddenly things look very good indeed.