February 14, 2017

So I Made A Thing

So yesterday I did a thing.

A small thing but it was big for me.

Before 2017 happened, in December, I started thinking about my goals and theme for this year. Having a story arc, if you will, for the year helps me stay focused and stay on track.

The word I picked out was LEAP.

I’ve written about this before but it’s a word that lives in my mind. Always peeking around the corner. Ever present.

That’s a good thing. Especially when it comes to accepting challenges.

My coach, who I swear has made it his life goal to see me sweat, gave me a challenge yesterday. It was a doozy, at least from where I’m sitting.

Appear on camera. And talk.

If you’ve seen enough of my videos, you’ve seen my arms painting but that’s about it. I did appear on camera last year but only a few times. It was uncomfortable.

I like the barriers I have when I communicate. Through writing. Through my art. There’s always a protective wall. Don’t look at me…look at the things I’ve made.

It’s a bit of a protective measure. I had a rough childhood. Being invisible was the best way to cope. Don’t be seen. Don’t cause controversy. Don’t have an opinion.

Some shit you carry into adulthood.

And some shit should just be set down.

So I made a video and I’m sharing it here in all its roughness and awkwardness. Because it’s not enough for me to silently put it on YouTube, I need to share it.

This is me. This is who I am when I’m uncomfortable but still facing the things that scare me.

Because LEAP? It demands that I leave my comfort zone and do all the things that scare me the most. And I’ll be damned if I’m going to die not knowing how far I could have gone. I’m going all the way.


Update: Someone came up to me at an art show and told me how awkward I was in this video. I know this one is painful but I’m leaving it up because we all start somewhere. My somewhere happens to be here.