January 25, 2017

Today is Blue Monday

Yes..I know it’s Wednesday, but bear with me here.

Sometimes I am just sad.

Anyone who’s been around me enough would probably be surprised. I tend to fill a room with my energy and I approach most things with probably too much exuberance.

Part of that is because it’s my sworn duty to embarrass my spawn. I figure I owe each of them at least 300 horribly embarrassing incidents. And since they’re now all tweens and teens, it’s time for some payback.

But I also tend to view everything as special or amazing.

I’ve ridden the GO train (our commuter trains for Toronto) a million times. Going to school. Going to work. Now going to meet clients or whatever.

And you know what? I’m still the fool taking pictures when the train pulls up. I’m the person who goes right to the top level to get the best view. When the cops do a ticket check, mine’s already in my hand.

It’s just so damn exciting.

(We aren’t going to talk about how I have an HO scale GO train set of cars and engines. Nope. LOL)

When I drive up to my studio every morning, my heart skips a beat. Every. Damn. Morning. I can’t believe it’s mine. Even six months ago, this was unthinkable.

When I go out to the barn and see the horse my oldest rides, it’s like I’ve never seen a horse before. And he’s so happy to see us too. Like an overgrown dog. A 1200 pound dog.

But today, I am sad. And slow. And meh.

I’ve struggled with depression. It’s something that is like a heavy blanket and covers and colours everything.

This is not that. This is just a day to be sad. It happens.

Sometimes I think our culture focuses too much on being happy or fulfilled that we dismiss other emotions as being undesirable or unwanted.

As someone who paints emotions, I tend to look at things maybe differently. I don’t just paint happy moments. I paint that moment when a character’s heart breaks. That moment when joy is shattered. A moment of revenge or despair.

I paint from experience. And feeling those emotions, truly feeling them, matters.

We have such a full range of emotions that to deny the validity of any of them is to deny our humanity.

Now I’m not saying that walking around angry or sad all the time is a good thing, but I’m saying maybe it’s worth pausing and just feeling those feelings instead of denying them.

I am savouring this day of sadness like I would roll a hard candy around in my mouth. Just feeling it without judgement or concern. Not thinking about whether the sadness will go, but just being sad.

Like all emotions, I know this one is fleeting and will soon change.

And tomorrow? Well, I’ve got the Nashville IMAlive paintings to plan.

I’m wrapping up my Wonder Woman series for the upcoming SHE show.

And…Supernatural is back tonight!

With so much win going on, I know this mood will lift shortly. It won’t have any choice.